Thoughts :: Defective interface

February 18th, 2019
A hippo among flowers in the field.
Cortex

A few days ago, my son’s speech therapist was interviewing me for a better understanding of my son. Then she told me I’m got Childhood Apraxia of Speech.

It means that my interface between thinking and talking is defective. My thoughts need some translation for speech performance, which is quite slower than most people, ’cause my mind type isn’t linear. It’s not conformable to the speech structure.

Speaking Portuguese, I have (more than) 40 years of daily experience, so I learned how to hide the apraxia. But, when I speak every other language, I sound very autistic.

It’s been a nuisance to me. When I start talking, the counterpart soon notices there’s something weird. “That guy can’t speak…?”

I choke, I stutter, I freeze, my mind overloads and gets blank… Sometimes I just can’t “translate” what I’m thinking into speech.

Not that it doesn’t happen in Portuguese. I choke in Portuguese too; also stutter, freeze, get blank mind. But in every other language it happens more often.

Worse: it’s more evident. Thus I sound very autistic.

People think trouble-speaking autistics can’t think properly, that we are lesser people.

To preserve my self-worth, I say to myself it’s better this way: I wouldn’t like dealing day-to-day with someone who doesn’t respect me. I’ve been there, don’t wanna be back.

I am odd, I sound even odder. That’s it.


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